Living in Answered Prayers but I Still Feel Like I’m Drowning

You can feel overwhelmed and still grateful.

To say the past two years of my life have been a whirlwind is an understatement.

I graduated from college, got a job, moved to a new city, hated that job and living in that city, moved back home, traveled, got a new job, moved to a new city, like whew.

I don’t know if writing these words can fully articulate how I feel, but I will try my best.

Moving to Atlanta in November was the best decision of my life. I missed driving, shocker to most people I know, being in a city full of Black people, and most of all, having a thermostat and a washer and dryer in my apartment.

The way everything has clicked here lets me know I am in the right space. After my last job experience, I am eternally grateful to have a great team, but especially to have a manager who cares about me not only professionally, but personally as well.

But even though I know I am where I am meant to be, the little inconveniences of life keep piling up.

For me, one of the biggest things I am trying to come to terms with is the fact that you have to work hard in your twenties to live a life of luxury and ease in your fifties. Believe me, I would love to live like a fifty-year-old retiree right now. But unfortunately, that is not reality.

Anyone who has worked in agency life knows it is a lot. You learn a lot, but it is extremely overwhelming at times. One of the most overwhelming things is realizing you are working forty hours a week in billable hours, but everyone knows you are probably working closer to fifty.

I love my job. I really do. I love thinking creatively and strategically, and I don’t think there is a field that fits me more.

But after my unemployment era, I realized I love my time more, but unfourtnately no job equals no money, but having a job equals no time. How does one win?

I do not know if degrading is the right word, but it feels that way when you are going to work early in the morning and getting back home, and it is already seven o’clock. Because, of course, on paper it’s only eight hours, but when you factor in your commute and those tiny last-minute requests, you have probably given at least eleven hours of your life to that corporation.

When are you supposed to have time for yourself? Because it feels like I have none.

If you want to wake up and go to the gym before work, you probably need to go to sleep by nine to wake up at five, but is that really a way to live? Especially when you are exhausted and getting home after six?

I have always been a planner, and I have been thinking about my future a lot. I know I want to be a homeowner, but how is it that the same house that is half a million dollars now was 150K twenty years ago? Literally no renovations or anything. Like it makes homeownership feel impossible, and horrible builders (I’m looking at you D.R. Horton) make it feel more impossible.

Why does it feel like all my money is going to bills?

It feels impossible to save because not only are house prices high, but everything is high. It literally costs money to breathe, whether you are in New York City or a middle-of-nowhere town in the USA. It is annoying to work so hard all week and not even be able to comfortably afford to decorate the apartment that was on your dream board or buy yourself a nice top.

I guess I say all this to say that I know I am where I am supposed to be, and I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life. My beautiful apartment, my boyfriend of almost three years (which is crazy to say), my job, everything.

But I still feel like I am drowning.

Struggling while your life is good does not make you fake, dramatic, or undeserving. It makes you human with limits. I do not know exactly what I am supposed to do with my life at every moment, but I know I do not want to spend the next thirty years wasting away in an office eighty percent of the week.

I am still figuring it all out and coming to terms with the fact that the Earth doesn’t stop spinning. Though I am dramatic, I’m working on giving myself grace and remembering that not every season of life lasts forever.

Like seriously.

The things I was crying about a year ago don’t matter anymore. So if you’re stuck with a shitty boss/job, in a waiting season of life, or you just feel down, know it’s just that, a season.

I also hope this makes someone feel a little less alone, especially in the age of social media, where people only post their highlight reel.

You can be grateful.
And be exhausted.
And be financially stressed.
And be emotionally overwhelmed.